Episode 1 - Squid-Pig
Welcome to the first episode of the first season of the sci-fi, comedy audio drama: Squad Car 22. Join Officer Steins & Holloway as they try to breakup an underground bum-fight arena. This episode stars Sebastian Steins, Nathan Feuerberg, Martin James Grapengeter, Pedro Gonçalves, and Maelle Jayet.
Listen to other audio dramas by Deep Drag at deepdrag.com
Transcript
[Police Radio] Complaints on a 647 at the Virginia Hotel.
Speaker:[Officer Steins] Are we rolling?
Speaker:[Officer Holloway] I mean I just put in new batteries.
Speaker:[Officer Steins] Is it recording.
Speaker:[Officer Holloway] Maybe.
Speaker:[Police Radio] Got a call on a 507 down at the Sage Room.
Speaker:[Officer Steins] Should we start the intro, or what?
Speaker:[Officer Holloway] It looks like the tapes rotating.
Speaker:[Steins] I'm Officer Stein's.
Speaker:[Holloway] And I'm Officer Holloway.
Speaker:[Steins & Holloway] You're driving in Squad Car 22.
Speaker:[Steins] Tonight we're gonna take you on the streets your mama told you not to turn down.
Speaker:Tonight we're going to introduce you to a little murder, a little mayhem.
Speaker:Holloway tell our listeners what you have planned.
Speaker:[Holloway] Well, I mean, I was hoping before we got started we could you know stop by the
Speaker:Jack in the Box.
Speaker:They got a promotion on these these new milkshakes.
Speaker:They're called Oreo Flurries.
Speaker:[Steins] Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Speaker:What are you doing?
Speaker:Your gonna make us sound soft.
Speaker:[Holloway] Sorry, I meant to say, We're gonna buy some Oreo Flurries!
Speaker:[Steins] Hey, what'd I just say?
Speaker:[Holloway] You don't you don't think that sounded virile.
Speaker:[Steins] There's nothing virile about picking up milkshakes.
Speaker:[Police Radio] We've got a 374 B in-progress near the abandoned bridge off Mulberry.
Speaker:[Holloway] What's a 374 B?
Speaker:[Steins] Maybe it's new.
Speaker:[Holloway] I'll just ask her.
Speaker:[Steins] W-w-wait, we can't do that.
Speaker:[Holloway] What's the big deal?
Speaker:[Steins] Everybody will hear you.
Speaker:I mean we just got upgraded from bicycle cops.
Speaker:They just gave us this car.
Speaker:We can't have them thinking we can't handle ourselves.
Speaker:[Police Radio] Squad Car 22 please confirm your location.
Speaker:[Holloway] This is Squad Car 22.
Speaker:We're about two blocks from the abandoned bridge.
Speaker:[Police Radio] Copy that.
Speaker:Can you check out the 374B?
Speaker:[Holloway] Ten-four.
Speaker:[Steins] Great, just great.
Speaker:[Holloway] I didn't have a choice.
Speaker:[Squad Car 22 speeds down the road.]
Speaker:[Holloway] It shouldn't be so difficult.
Speaker:The only people living under the bridge are a couple of vagrants.
Speaker:[Steins] That's it.
Speaker:They want us to break up an underground bum-fight arena.
Speaker:[Holloway] A what?
Speaker:[Steins] Don't you watch the news?
Speaker:They set up these fights all over the country.
Speaker:[Holloway] People watch homeless folks fight?
Speaker:[Steins] Nah, rich kids pay the bums to let them kick their ass.
Speaker:And other rich kids bet on it.
Speaker:I can't believe they finally set one up here.
Speaker:[Holloway] If that's the case, they're not going to let us just walk in.
Speaker:[Steins] You're right!
Speaker:We're gonna need disguises.
Speaker:[Holloway] Turn this boat around.
Speaker:We just passed two homeless guys by that burning barrel.
Speaker:[Squad Car 22 fishtails as it turns around] [Steins stops the car, and unrolls the window.]
Speaker:[Steins] How'd you like to make a little cheddar?
Speaker:[Vagrant #1] Wait, what'd he say?
Speaker:[Vagrant #2] I think he wants to give us some cheese.
Speaker:[Steins] Look you loan us your clothes and we'll pay you each $5 dollars.
Speaker:[Vagrant #1] $5 dollars my ass.
Speaker:[Vagrant #2] Yeah, I don't know what kind of pervy stuff you're into but I ain't giving
Speaker:up my threads.
Speaker:[Holloway] It'll only be for an hour, probably less.
Speaker:[Steins] Fine we'll pay you ten each.
Speaker:[Vagrant #1] Make it 20.
Speaker:[Vagrant#2] What?
Speaker:No, no, no, I'm not standing around naked for an hour.
Speaker:[Holloway] Here I'll throw in half a Big Gulp.
Speaker:[Vagrant #2] Is it Dr. Pepper?
Speaker:[Holloway] Mountain Dew.
Speaker:[Vagrant #2] Who mixes brandy with Mountain Dew?
Speaker:[Steins] The deal is $20 dollars each and half a Dew, you in?
Speaker:[Vagrant #2] You're coming back in an hour?
Speaker:[Steins rolls up the window.]
Speaker:[Steins] You better start stripping or I'm gonna keep on driving.
Speaker:[Vagrant #1] All right, all right, all right.
Speaker:[The vagrants start taking off their clothes.]
Speaker:[Vagrant #2] Hey this ain't no peep show, turn your heads.
Speaker:[Steins] Just hurry it up.
Speaker:[Holloway] Man at rate the bum fight's gonna be over by the time we get there.
Speaker:[Steins] You got some cash on you?
Speaker:[Holloway] Me?
Speaker:You're the one that offered them $40.
Speaker:[Steins] You know my wife counts every penny I make.
Speaker:[Holloway] Fine.
Speaker:[Steins] Here's your cash.
Speaker:[Vagrant #1] Man, you got a blanket or something?
Speaker:[Steins] Nah.
Speaker:[Steins rolls up the window and speeds off]
Speaker:[Holloway] Man these clothes smell authentic.
Speaker:[Steins] [laughs] It's like the pissed in some mud and rolled around it.
Speaker:[Holloway] Or broke into a sewage plant took a swim.
Speaker:[Steins] Really, If you think about it, we did them a favor.
Speaker:[Holloway] Umm-Hmm.
Speaker:[They get out of the car and stroll up the street.]
Speaker:[Steins] You brought your gun, right?
Speaker:[Holloway] Gun?
Speaker:I brought this bad boy.
Speaker:[Holloway pumps a shotgun.]
Speaker:[Steins] Good call.
Speaker:[An odd sound echoes in the distance.]
Speaker:[Holloway[ What the hell was that?
Speaker:[Steins] Sounded like it came from over there.
Speaker:[Holloway] What, from that dark doorway in the side of the bridge?
Speaker:[Steins] Come on.
Speaker:Let's check it out.
Speaker:[Steins & Holloway march through an underground cave.]
Speaker:[Holloway] So what's our backstory?
Speaker:[Steins] Say again?
Speaker:[Holloway] Like my bum's name is Leroy.
Speaker:And I'm thinking he fell on hard times when his girlfriend left him.
Speaker:[Steins] They're not gonna ask us for a resume.
Speaker:[Holloway] If I'm gonna play Leroy, I need some motivation.
Speaker:[Steins] Yeah whatever.
Speaker:[Holloway] So Leroy's girlfriend, her name's Emily, she left him.
Speaker:And after that he just kind of gave up on life.
Speaker:Every time he'd looked over at the guest bedroom he'd see the crib, and he'd know that's where
Speaker:their baby would have slept.
Speaker:I'm thinking...
Speaker:[The odd sound is louder, closer.]
Speaker:[Steins] We're getting close.
Speaker:[Holloway] To what?
Speaker:[Steins] Some sick shit!
Speaker:[Holloway] I can't believe people pay for stuff like this.
Speaker:[Steins] That's the difference between me and you.
Speaker:I did a semester in college.
Speaker:[Holloway] What, so you're more worldly?
Speaker:[Steins] No, I pledged a fraternity.
Speaker:[Steins] There's a light up ahead.
Speaker:That must be where they've got the arena set up.
Speaker:[The odd sound reverberates through the large chamber.]
Speaker:[Holloway] What the hell is that?
Speaker:[Steins] It's huge.
Speaker:It's, it's like half pig and half squid.
Speaker:[Holloway] I think it's looking at us.
Speaker:[Steins] Get down!
Speaker:[They drop to the floor.]
Speaker:[Holloway] What is it?
Speaker:[Steins] It's like if an eight-foot-tall squid fucked an eight-foot-wide pig.
Speaker:[Holloway] Should we should we call animal control?
Speaker:[Steins] What?
Speaker:We just got promoted from bicycle cops to real ones.
Speaker:You want to be known as the cops who can't handle their shit?
Speaker:[Holloway] Okay, let's slowly get up and peek over the ledge.
Speaker:[Squid-Pig] [Rattles Chains.]
Speaker:[Holloway] Look, it's chained to the wall.
Speaker:Someone's keeping it captive.
Speaker:[Mad Scientist] Well, I see you have found my radioactive Squid-Pig.
Speaker:[Holloway] Hey, didn't your mama tell you, it's rude to sneak up on people?
Speaker:[Steins] From the white lab coat to the Glock he's pointing at us, I would gather he's a
Speaker:mad scientist.
Speaker:[Mad Scientist] Soon the world will know my wrath, after I unleash my army of giant squid-pigs.
Speaker:The world will bow before me.
Speaker:No longer will I have to listen to people like you.
Speaker:I will be the authority.
Speaker:I will be the one in control.
Speaker:[Holloway shoots the Mad Scientist.]
Speaker:[Steins] Man good shot.
Speaker:[Holloway] I couldn't listen to another second of his socialist BS.
Speaker:[Mad Scientist] I... will... have...
Speaker:my... revenge.
Speaker:I... will... take... over... the... world....
Speaker:[Steins shoots the Mad Scientist five more times.]
Speaker:[Holloway] Wow, quick thinking.
Speaker:[Steins] Yeah, you saw him.
Speaker:He was just about to jump off the floors come at us.
Speaker:[Holloway] Commie sucker.
Speaker:[Steins] Check it out.
Speaker:The Squid-Pig... It's
Speaker:[Holloway] It's it's on the loose.
Speaker:[Steins] What's that?
Speaker:[Holloway] I think it's a portal.
Speaker:[Steins] To another dimension?
Speaker:To a place where other squid-pigs live?
Speaker:Populated by tentacles and corkscrew pig tails?
Speaker:[Squid- Pig slides into the portal, which closes behind her.]
Speaker:[Steins] I guess that's that.
Speaker:347 B solved.
Speaker:[Holloway] Man, I could really go for some Jack in the Box, maybe some jalapeno poppers.
Speaker:[Steins] Next stop drive thru, milkshakes on me.
Speaker:[Credit Music]
Speaker:[Narrator] Starring Sebastian Steins as Officer Steins, Nathan Feuerberg as Officer Holloway,
Speaker:Martin James Grapengeter as Hans, Pedro Gonçalves as Pedro, Maëlle Jayet as Max.
Speaker:Sound Designed by Joshua Holloway, directed by MJG.
Speaker:created by Nathan Feuerberg.
Speaker:[Narrator 2] Like what you hear?
Speaker:Why not subscribe and support shows like Play Date, Squad Car 22, and Flies in the Jar.
