Episode 2 - Soup Kitchen
Join Officer Steins & Officer Holloway on their second adventure where they find a 2.5 Reality Divergence Device in a soup kitchen walk-in freezer. This episode stars Sebastian Steins, Nathan Feuerberg, Martin James Grapengeter, Lewis Lloyd, Pedro Gonçalves, Jocelynn Sunrise, and Maelle Jayet. Squad Car 22 is a sci-fi, comedy podcast by Deep Drag.
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Music and Sound Effect Credits:
Special Thanks to Zac Wilkins for our theme song, Cop Show Blues Jam 1 & 2 https://www.looperman.com/loops/detai...
And CallMeKing for the sci-fi song, Defy This, https://www.looperman.com/loops/detai...
We can't forget about our favorite composer, Kevin MacLeod - Music from https://filmmusic.io
"Parisian" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/b...)
And Thank You to the folks over at freesound.org and looperman.com . A full list of all the SFX and loops with credits can be found at DeepDrag.com
Transcript
[Music]
Speaker:[Narrator 2] Previously, on Squad Car 22.
Speaker:Officer Steins and Holloway paid two homeless people $40 and half a Big Gulp to use their
Speaker:clothes.
Speaker:While our heroes saved the world from a Mad Scientist and a giant Squid-Pig, the ungrateful
Speaker:homeless people reported what had happened to various media outlets and social justice
Speaker:groups.
Speaker:[Police Radio] Got a 288 at 13 Garden Street.
Speaker:[Officer Holloway] Where's Officer Jenny?
Speaker:[Officer Lloyd] She's been on vacation for the last week.
Speaker:[Officer Steins] First I've heard of it.
Speaker:[Officer Holloway] Then who have I been flirting with on the radio.
Speaker:[Officer Lloyd] Yeah, I'd appreciate it if you stop that.
Speaker:It's a bit uncomfortable when you start with a CB sex.
Speaker:[Captain Bullstrong] Chauncy!
Speaker:Mumford!
Speaker:Get in here!
Speaker:[Officer Steins] Leave the talking to me.
Speaker:[Officer Holloway] Don't worry.
Speaker:Me and the captain go way back.
Speaker:I've got this.
Speaker:[Officer Steins] Sir!
Speaker:[Officer Holloway] Wow, smells nice in here.
Speaker:I'm digging that scented candle.
Speaker:What is that, sandalwood?
Speaker:[Steins] Dude...
Speaker:[Holloway] No, it's got more of an earthy tone to it.
Speaker:I'm guessing patchouli.
Speaker:[Captain Bullstrong] Not that it's any of your business, but it's Moroccan fig.
Speaker:[Holloway] Very soothing.
Speaker:You know I can feel the stress just lifting off my...
Speaker:[Captain Bullstrong] Can it, Mumford.
Speaker:[Sighs.]
Speaker:[Captain Bullstrong] What the hell were you two thinking?
Speaker:I should suspend you both for a week.
Speaker:[Steins] Sir, we had a situation and we dealt with it, sir.
Speaker:[Captain Bullstrong] Have you had a look out front?
Speaker:[Steins] Sir, we came in the back door, sir.
Speaker:[Captain Bullstrong opens the window.]
Speaker:[Crowd] Homeless people aren't hopeless.
Speaker:They need clothes too. Homeless people aren't hopeless. They need clothes too.
Speaker:[Captain Bullstrong] Every liberal snowflake in the county is on our lawn.
Speaker:[Steins] That's what this is about.
Speaker:[Holloway] We can get rid of them, no problemo.
Speaker:[Steins] A little tear gas goes a long way.
Speaker:[Holloway] Yeah.
Speaker:[Captain Bullstrong] Hmm!
Speaker:This situation is nothing to laugh about.
Speaker:For the next 24 hours you two will be volunteering down at the soup kitchen.
Speaker:[Holloway] Ah come, on those freaks out there will protest anything.
Speaker:You give in this time and tomorrow they'll be rallying for health care.
Speaker:[Steins] Ugh, health care.
Speaker:Let's suit up the squad in riot gear and go out there.
Speaker:[Captain Bullstrong] I don't want to hear another word. [Sighs]
Speaker:Now get your butts down to that shelter.
Speaker:[Steins drives the squad car down the road.]
Speaker:[Holloway] Man, he was in a mood.
Speaker:[Steins] No shit.
Speaker:[Holloway]I don't know why he was so peeved over a couple of social justice squatters.
Speaker:[Steins] It's because he's, you know...
Speaker:[Holloway] Cuz he's what?
Speaker:[Steins] Black...
Speaker:[Holloway] Huh?
Speaker:[Steins] They have more sympathy for stuff like that.
Speaker:[Holloway] That sounds kind of, I don't know... racist.
Speaker:[Steins] Hey I'm the last guy anyone would call racist.
Speaker:My first girlfriend was black.
Speaker:[Holloway] Oh sorry....
Speaker:[Steins] I listen to black music all the time: Parliament, Hendrix, UB40.
Speaker:[Holloway] So you're saying we have to go spoon soup cuz the captain's black?
Speaker:[Steins] Woah, woah, woah, now you're just twisting my words.
Speaker:[Holloway] I'm not judging...
Speaker:[Steins] There's nothing to judge.
Speaker:[Holloway] Yeah... of course...
Speaker:[Steins] Stop looking at me like that.
Speaker:[Holloway] ...like what?
Speaker:[Steins] Like I just tore the wings off of a butterfly.
Speaker:[Holloway] ...Maybe we should just go inside.
Speaker:[Steins & Holloway step across the parking lot into the soup kitchen.]
Speaker:[Chef Rolland] Marcel!
Speaker:I told you to caramelize the onions.
Speaker:[Chef Rolland] What are you doing in ma cuisine?
Speaker:[Holloway] My cui..?
Speaker:[Chef Rolland] Oui, ma cuisine.
Speaker:[Steins] Captain Bullstrong sent us.
Speaker:[Chef Rolland] Ah, the officers who sit on the homeless.
Speaker:[Holloway] What?
Speaker:[Steins] Look, we're just here to serve soup.
Speaker:[Chef Rolland] Serve the soup?
Speaker:I think not.
Speaker:You will wash the dish.
Speaker:[Holloway] That's like a hundred bowls.
Speaker:[Steins] Yeah, come on, we're not here to clean up that slop.
Speaker:[Chef Rolland] You will wash the dish or you will crawl back to your Capitan Bullstrong
Speaker:[Steins] All right, all right, all right.
Speaker:[Chef Rolland] Oh, putan! Marcel!
Speaker:What is this?
Speaker:[Holloway] Well, I guess we better get washing.
Speaker:[Steins] Is that split pea?
Speaker:[Holloway] I think it just moved.
Speaker:[Steins] You should really put on some rubber gloves.
Speaker:[Holloway] Me?
Speaker:What about you?
Speaker:[Steins] I'm going to investigate.
Speaker:[Holloway] Come again?
Speaker:[Steins] I need to get the lay of the land, make a mental map of the compound.
Speaker:[Holloway] Mmm, it sounds like you're ditching me.
Speaker:[Steins] What?
Speaker:I'm looking out for us.
Speaker:I'm doing this for you.
Speaker:I'll be right back.
Speaker:[Holloway] Can you at least check if they have popsicles?
Speaker:[Steins] What are you 12?
Speaker:[Holloway] All day I've been craving a popsicle.
Speaker:[Steins] Fine, I'll see what's in the freezer.
Speaker:[Steins strolls back to the freezer lock.]
Speaker:[Steins shivers as he explores the freezer]
Speaker:[Steins] Man, it's cold in here.
Speaker:Let's see.
Speaker:Chicken noodle, minestrone, lobster bisque.
Speaker:We'll I'll be!
Speaker:summer borscht popsicles.
Speaker:[Steins strolls to the back of the freezer.]
Speaker:[Steins] 2.5 Reality Divergence Device?
Speaker:Press here to change your life?
Speaker:Must be some kind of soup kitchen humor.
Speaker:[Steins clicks the machine's button.]
Speaker:[The machine whirl to life.]
Speaker:[It's hum gets louder and louder.]
Speaker:[Steins] Hmm, that might have been a bad idea.
Speaker:[The sound of the machine reaches a crescendo]
Speaker:[Silence]
Speaker:[Steins] What just happened?
Speaker:Why does it feel like I have a furry face?
Speaker:No, no, no,
Speaker:[Steins clops down the hallway.]
Speaker:Where's the bathroom in this place?
Speaker:[Steins clops down the hallway, and turns on the bathroom sink.]
Speaker:[Steins] Oh crap, oh crap on me.
Speaker:I've got, I've got a face like a horse.
Speaker:Oh shit, oh shit on me, I've got a tail.
Speaker:That machine actually worked.
Speaker:I'm in a reality 2.5 degrees different from my own.
Speaker:And in this world
Speaker:I'm a horse-man.
Speaker:[Holloway washes dishes in the kitchen.]
Speaker:[Chef Rolland] Marcel, what is this? You cut the shrimps all wrong.
Speaker:[Chef Rolland] La bouillabaisse is ruined.
Speaker:[Steins Clops into the kitchen.]
Speaker:[Holloway] Hey, you know the rules, ain't no horse-folk allowed in the kitchen.
Speaker:[Steins]Dude, it's me, your partner.
Speaker:[Chef Rolland] I'm sorry, but you must take your hooves out of here.
Speaker:[Steins] Shit, I've got hooves?
Speaker:[Chef Rolland] Hooves.
Speaker:[Steins] That's what I said, hooves.
Speaker:[Chef Rolland] Just go before somebody sees you.
Speaker:[Holloway] Dude, you're supposed to be outside cleaning around the dumpster.
Speaker:If the health inspector catches you in here, they'll shut the whole place down.
Speaker:[Chef Rolland] Look, it's nothing again you.
Speaker:But what can I say, you are cheval.
Speaker:[Holloway] Yeah it's not personal.
Speaker:[Steins] Not personal?
Speaker:You're treating me like I'm some sort of animal.
Speaker:[Holloway] Well I mean...
Speaker:[Steins] I'm a horse-man.
Speaker:You hear me?
Speaker:Horse-man.
Speaker:[Holloway] It's cool.
Speaker:Don't be no mule.
Speaker:[Steins] Now I'm a mule?
Speaker:[Steins smacks Holloway.]
Speaker:[Holloway] Ouch man, that hurt.
Speaker:[Chef Rolland] Oh là, so stereotypical, so horse.
Speaker:[Holloway] I better not have a black eye.
Speaker:[Steins] You're lucky I didn't break your nose.
Speaker:[Holloway] If my eyes busted, I'm suing the saddle off you.
Speaker:[Steins] I don't need this.
Speaker:I'll just go back in the freezer lock, press the machine's button, and 'poof.'
Speaker:I'll be back in my own reality.
Speaker:[Steins clops back to the freezer.]
Speaker:[The machine sparks and buzzes.]
Speaker:[Steins] What the hell?
Speaker:The dimensional device?
Speaker:It's broken?
Speaker:I'm stuck in this reality?
Speaker:I'm stuck in a horse-man's body?
Speaker:[Holloway steps into the freezer.]
Speaker:[Holloway] Hey, don't get all Chuck Norris on me.
Speaker:I'm just here to get some ice for my eye.
Speaker:[Steins] Here.
Speaker:A summer borscht popsicle should do the trick.
Speaker:[Holloway] We cool?
Speaker:[Steins] Yeah, we're square.
Speaker:I guess I'm just gonna have to get used to this reality.
Speaker:[Holloway] Reality?
Speaker:[Steins] Come on.
Speaker:I'll drive us back to the precinct.
Speaker:[Holloway] Drive?
Speaker:Horse people aren't allowed to drive.
Speaker:[Steins] What?
Speaker:[Holloway] You're lucky I let you sit in the car.
Speaker:[Steins] Huh...
Speaker:Well I guess that's that.
Speaker:Interdimensional problem solved?
Speaker:[Holloway] Whatever, I'm heading up the titty bar.
Speaker:[Credit Music]
Speaker:[Narrator] Starring Sebastian Steins, Nathan Feuerberg, Martin James Grapengeter, Lewis Lloyd,
Speaker:Jocelyn Sunrise, Pedro Gonçalves, Maelle Jayet.
Speaker:Directed by MJG.
